Home Project Diplomacy

Summers provide a wonderful opportunity to teach our kids new skills and the value of hard work. We use a little tool called the house project. The kids call it slave labor. We prefer to think of it as a reason to keep feeding and clothing them. Along the way we make progress on the renovation of our home.

I still have my day job, so most of the work depends upon Karen and the kids. Because the projects tend to be disruptive to family life, Karen kindly allows me some input. It goes something like this ...

Karen: I'd like to paint the kitchen cabinets.

Me: No. There is no time, we'll just be getting back in town, we need to get ready for school.

This may seem a little harsh, but we're just on the front end of the negotiation. At this point my wife has a dream floating around outside of reality and the time constraints the rest of us deal with every day.

A few days later ...

Karen: I've been thinking about the kitchen cabinets. We'll have three weeks before I start teaching. The kids will need a project to work on and since there is not enough time to tear down the wall and completely redesign the layout of our house, I thought kitchen cabinets might be a good project to work on.

This is real progress - she's actually entered into the reality of time and begun to consider how this project might fit, but we still have to nail down a few more details before we reach agreement.

Me: I'm willing to consider this, but I would want the kitchen cabinets painted, not just sanded or primed. The project would need to be finished.

Karen: Of course, we'll definitely get the cabinets painted!

You may wonder why I make such an obvious point, but we have a tendency to prime something and then keep priming. Apparently some people think it's more efficient to just keep priming so you don't have to keep pulling the primer out when it's time to paint the next room. For those of us who like checking off boxes and experiencing a sense of completion, it's more like a sore that won't heal. Many more examples, but let's not get distracted.

Me: You know what this means don't you?

Karen: What?

Me: You have to choose a paint color.

Karen: I know, I already have one picked out!

You'll see why in a moment why I bring up the paint color. For now it will suffice for you to know that in my bedroom, which is one of the rooms that is primed, there are multiple swaths of paint of various colors. Apparently we're trying out colors before choosing one. Sometimes we have a hard time choosing.

I throw out a few more requests - the holes from the old hardware will need to be filled, there must be new hardware (the old hardware will tear your clothes or  rip your finger off - worst design of cabinet hardware I've ever seen), and the tools will need to be put up in the garage - I'm referring to the stack of tools in the hallway and the entryway remaining from the last two projects.

Karen: Of course!

Me: OK, let's go for it.

Karen: Yeah!

Two days before the project commences ...

Karen: What would you think about taking down the tile splash so it won't mess up the painted cabinets when we pull it out to renovate the kitchen?

Me: No.

At this point I'm focused and I've got my game face on. This is the first verifiable case of "mission creep", her first attempt to expand the project beyond the scope we originally agreed to. This takes tremendous diplomatic skills, as her proposal makes total and complete sense to her.

Me: When we renovate the kitchen we'll take the back splash down and touch up the cabinets.

That's what I say, but what I'm thinking is, "Are you crazy? It might be five years before we renovate the kitchen! We don't want to live with an ugly bare wall needing repair for the next five years!" But like I said, this takes diplomatic skill and I can't be crushing too many dreams in one day.

Karen: OK.

One day before the project commences ...

Karen: I think we're ready to go, I just need to run to Home Depot to look at upper cabinets.

"Home Depot" is an automatic red flag. My mission creep warning system sounds an alarm. 

Me: Why are you looking at cabinets?

Karen: Well, I thought while we're doing this, we should knock the soffits out since I'll want that done at some point. I just want to see how much the cabinets cost. 

Me: No.

Karen: No?

Me: No. Focus. We're painting the cabinets. We're not renovating the kitchen. We're not taking down the backsplash. We're not knocking out soffits. We're painting the cabinets. Get the cabinets painted and we can talk about the next project.

I know this may sound harsh, but it's necessary. I've learned that our house is connected - every piece of flooring connects to another piece of flooring in the next room. Every baseboard keeps going to each room in the house. The walls connect to other walls. For some people, this connection means there really is no such thing as a single project. The only single project is the "Renovate the entire house" project. These people need help.

Karen: OK.

Day 1 of the project ...

Karen: I'm going to Benjamin Moore.

Me: Why?

Karen: To look at paint colors.

Me: ...

I think "Oh $%!#."

This is like defcon 5 all alarms sounding. This is my one weakness, the one area I have no response for. I'm color blind. I see colors, I just call them different names than you. Oddly enough, I still have opinions on colors, but no one listens to me on colors. So when she is reconsidering her color choice, I've got no answer to this potential project de-railer.

Me: OK.

This is my first set back, but in any struggle you can't expect to win every time.

Day 2 of the project ...

The sanding is completed, holes are filled, and primer is going up ... I actually have a glimmer of hope. I can't find a bowl to eat breakfast, but I have hope.

I do smile at God for bringing together two so very different people and helping us to find a way to make it work.  And as much as this sounds like a struggle, I actually enjoy the journey and appreciate my wife's creativity, can do spirit, and willingness to live in a less than perfect house while we raise kids and manage life together.

Keep Running

After dinner my friend and I take our boys outside to play while the wives enjoy some quiet conversation inside. The boys run and chase and race, taking turns making up new courses to sprint. After a good while I notice my oldest, Reed, age 8, sitting on the curb, elbows on knees, face in hands, dark cloud descending.

Putting my fatherly skills to work, I ask, “What’s up?”

Reed says, “If I’m two years older than Drew, why is he faster than me?”

Hmmmm … I explain that God gives different gifts and talents to each of us and technically he wasn’t a full two years older and some other stuff that took a lot longer to say than it needed to. Apparently hearing you’re good in math doesn’t do much for the kid who keeps finishing behind his younger brother in the race.

I should have said, “Keep running.”

Jump forward five years. Reed is now 13. I invite him to run a 5K with me. I imagine us spending time training together and talking and sharing life. That lasted about a quarter mile. He says, “Mind if I run ahead?”

As a dad you know your athleticism is in decline while your kid’s is on the rise. You know at some point the lines will cross and your son will be faster and stronger, but still, I thought I would see that day coming. Turns out it had passed me some time ago.

Turns out Reed is a plodder. He doesn’t have much sprint, but he can keep going and going and going. He ran cross country in high school. Up and down hills, through mud and grass and dirt, in cold and in heat, he ran. His 6’5” frame isn’t exactly ideal for cross country, though it did make him easy to pick out in the crowd. It didn’t matter, he kept on running. Running and working and persevering.

At the end of the season banquet the cross country coach shares a little about each runner. He says this about Reed:

“Reed is a worker, the hardest worker on the team. He works and works and works. He doesn’t have the most talent, but he gets more out of the talent he has than any other runner on the team.”

Reed challenges me: Keep running. When discouragement pushes you to the curb, keep running. When the race isn’t turning out as you hoped, keep running. You may never be the best, but you can be the best you can be, if you keep running.

Reed graduates today from high school with something far more valuable than top 10 finishes. Reed graduates knowing the gut check of discouragement, the strength of perseverance, the satisfaction of overcoming, and the joy of finding your race, qualities I’m confident will serve him well in every endeavor in life he pursues. Count me very proud to call him my son.

“God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6

Choose Your Picture Frame Carefully

A friend gave me a beautiful landscape print that included a shoreline, water, mountains, and sky. Left to myself I probably would have thumb tacked the thing to my wall and enjoyed it, but something told me I needed to get this one framed. So off to the framer where I got an education.

The framer asked what color of frame did I want. I responded how I always respond to color related questions: I dunno. Something about being color blind leaves me less than confident in making color decisions! He proceeded to place different framing samples around my print.

A light blue frame caused the sky to jump out. I noticed various clouds and beams of light I had not seen before. We tried a darker blue frame and the sky receded while the water came to life in all its rollings and breakers and undulations. We worked our way through several more colors and each time I was shocked at how the frame changed the picture.

In reality, the picture never changed, only the frame. Choosing the frame determined how I viewed the picture. 

Life is kind of like that. You look at over the landscape of your life and you see what? Troubled waters ... peaceful skies ... threatening rocks ... hopeful breezes? Every life has it's hope and fears, dreams and challenges. What we see, where we focus, what dominates our thoughts as we view our life, is largely determined by the frame we put on the picture.

Consider: A driver cuts out off on your way to work. You can frame that with the idea that you deserve better, that you've been done wrong, that the disrespectful fool deserves the invectives you unleash.

Or you can frame that with the idea that this brother, made in the image of God, appears anxious, hurried, and preoccupied. Why you don't know, but it's likely he's not experiencing the life God has for him. Perhaps easing off the accelerator and saying a quick prayer would be good for his heart and yours. Same picture, different frame, different response.


The frames I find most helpful are those that take me out of a me centered perspective and help me see the work of God in redeeming and renovating this world. What frames do you use to frame your world?